I “capricci”? Espressione di un bisogno!
“Piantala di fare i capricci!”
Quante volte l’abbiamo sentito? E quante volte, noi stessi, l’abbiamo detto?
Ebbene, Maria Montessori non aveva alcun dubbio in merito: i capricci non esistono.
Almeno, non nel senso in cui comunemente essi vengono intesi.
Basta leggere alcune pagine de Il segreto dell’infanzia o de La mente del bambino per capire che anche le più apparentemente inutili “scenate” nascondono un malessere, o meglio, come diceva la Montessori, un bisogno insoddisfatto.
Gli attacchi d’ira del bambino, le sue lacrime, non sono, quindi, immotivate. C’è una ragione che cova sotto le ceneri. Il vero problema è che noi non la comprendiamo.
Dovremmo quindi sforzarci di modificare il nostro sguardo, smettendo di considerare i capricci comportamenti sgradevoli ed inadeguati, e piuttosto guardare loro come un tentativo di comunicazione (per quanto poco efficace).
Mettiamoci nei panni del nostro bambino di due anni. I terrible two, li chiamano, “l’epoca dei capricci” per eccellenza.
Ma a cosa sono dovute queste manifestazioni?
Il primo passo per gestire adeguatamente un “capriccio” è capire che tale atteggiamento non è una sfida che il bambino rivolge al genitore, ma una componente normale e sana della crescita infantile.
Tra i 18 e i 36 mesi il bambino vive una forte spinta all’autonomia: egli è tutto orientato ad affermare se stesso come essere a sé, diverso dal genitore, con cui fino a poco tempo prima era stato un tutt’uno. Inizia così la fase del negativismo, o fase dei no.
Ma questo è anche il periodo in cui il bambino inizia a compiere nel mondo esperienze sempre più complesse, cui si associano sempre più complesse emozioni e stati d’animo, che non sempre egli è in grado di controllare.
La percezione del mondo che il bambino ha chiaramente non è la stessa che ha l’adulto. Cose per noi apparentemente prive di significato (portare a termine un gioco prima di uscire, svolgere una routine secondo un dato ordine…) per lui possono essere invece di importanza vitale e provocare un intenso sconvolgimento emotivo, con conseguenti crisi di rabbia, strilli e rifiuti.
A mancare, poi, è spesso una adeguata competenza linguistica, che potrebbe aiutarlo ad esprimere il proprio disagio secondo forme comunicative più accettabili di urla e calci.
Solo mutando il nostro sguardo saremo in grado di assumere un atteggiamento di accoglienza e aiutare il bambino ad acquisire le competenze necessarie per superare le difficoltà sottostanti il “capriccio” (gestire le proprie emozioni, capacità di tollerare la frustrazione…).
Quello che abbiamo di fronte è un bambino che ha semplicemente, umanamente, perso il controllo e le cui emozioni (collera, frustrazione, delusione…) hanno preso il sopravvento.
Ma mentre nel caso di un adulto tendenzialmente tale condizione è legittimata (a chi non è capitato di perdere il controllo?) nel caso del bambino ciò non è minimamente tollerato.
L’adulto pretende che il bambino, per quanto piccolo, sia in grado di “ricomporsi”, di ritrovare magicamente l’equilibrio.
E laddove ciò non accade, parte il giudizio: “Sei proprio un monello“, “Sei un capriccioso! Devi imparare a darti una regolata!“
Come comportarsi?
Il consiglio montessoriano che preferisco è quello di parlare ai vostri bambini, verbalizzare il loro bisogno e, nei limiti del possibile, trovare una soluzione insieme.
Quando il bambino è nel pieno di una crisi emotiva, a poco servirà imporgli di calmarsi, come anche tentare di parlargli. Sarebbe come gettare benzina sul fuoco.
Si, è difficile. Nessuno vuole dire il contrario. Ma l’adulto deve essere in grado di fare un bel respiro e mantenere la calma.
Avvicinatevi, cercate il suo sguardo (solo se davvero in crisi, tentate anche un contenimento fisico abbracciandolo) e attendete che si stabilisca un contatto. Quando il bambino vi sembra ricettivo riportategli, con voce calma e con un tono basso, il suo comportamento in maniera oggettiva (senza giudizio!) e cercate di verbalizzare l’esigenza che vi sembra celata dietro (cosicché egli possa veder legittimato il suo sentire, pur nella non accoglienza della richiesta). Se possibile, potrete quindi proporgli un’alternativa ragionevole in grado di soddisfare il suo bisogno.
Ad esempio:
“Sei triste perché avresti tanto voluto quel gioco, vero? Lo avresti tanto voluto e ora sei arrabbiato perché non è stato possibile comprarlo. Ti capisco. Se vuoi, però, possiamo fare un’altra cosa, ad esempio X“
Altro consiglio che mi sento di fornire è quello di prevenire, prevenire sempre.
Chi meglio di un genitore può sapere quale momento della crescita sta attraversando il proprio bambino e quali sono le necessità ad esso connesse?
Se sappiamo, ad esempio, che il nostro bambino sta attraversando un momento di irresistibile interesse per il movimento (per cui si arrampica dappertutto) possiamo prevenire problemi evitando di porlo in situazioni in cui vi sarebbe un richiamo all’attività tale da provocare una frustrazione incontenibile in caso di rifiuto.
Il sistema nervoso del bambino è, in questa età, ancora in pieno sviluppo. Tollerare la frustrazione non è semplice, ma è una capacità (così come la gestione delle emozioni) che può essere allenata pian piano.
Solo, però, se dall’altra parte c’è un adulto in grado di offrire un modello di competenza, che sia in grado (laddove necessario) di porre i giusti limiti ma anche di accogliere i legittimi bisogni con amore e rispetto.
Vorrei concludere con alcune parole di Maria Montessori:
Di fronte all’adulto il bambino è disposto all’obbedienza fino alle radici dello spirito.
Ma quando l’adulto gli chiede che egli rinunci, in favor suo, al comando del motore che sospinge la creatura secondo norme e leggi inalterabili, il bambino non può obbedire. Sarebbe come pretendere di fargli interrompere lo spuntare dei denti nel periodo della dentizione.
I capricci e le disobbedienza dei bambini non sono altro che aspetti di un conflitto vitale fra l’impulso creatore e l’amore verso l’adulto, il quale non lo comprende.
Quando, invece di trovare obbedienza, insorge un capriccio, l’adulto deve pensare sempre a cotesto conflitto e individuarvi la difesa di un gesto vitale necessario allo sviluppo del bambino”
Se l’articolo ti è piaciuto condividilo!
Per approfondire ed applicare la pedagogia Montessori in casa, leggi il mio nuovo libro:
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